Alone.

My dad died twice.
The official death is two weeks ago today. So Thursdays suck now.
The first time was the day before. So Wednesdays suck too.
His heart beat for the last time @ 3:31pm on Thursday, November 6, 2014.
The cardiac arrest (when he really left us) was about 6:20pm on Wednesday, November 5, 2014.

I don't like nights. Every night I am exhausted.
Every night when I close my eyes I see my dad's face but it's not the peaceful face I last saw, it's the one I saw when I went to my folks' house after mom called telling me "It's dad!"
The night I had to park 3 houses down because their street was crowded with 2 fire trucks, 4 police cars and an ambulance.
The night I had to push my way through what seemed to be the entire neighborhood gathered to see why there were 2 fire trucks, 4 police cars and an ambulance.
The night I walked into their front door to see my father, naked, laying on the living room floor surrounded by EMTs - and his eyes...just...staring.
Not blinking. Looking off into space.
The night I saw my mother on the other side of the house, being comforted by firemen in the kitchen, as she looked at my father laying on the floor.
The EMTs told me they brought him back after 3 Epi's (Epinephrine shots) and a shock (defibrillation) and his heart was still going but it was not looking good.
They put him on the stretcher and rolled him past me, still standing next to the front door, unable to comfort my own mother, prevented from going further by the EMT who updated me.
As dad rolled past...I only saw his eyes.
They're all I could see.He was not blinking.He looked gone.
That image is what I see now when I close my eyes.
I so wanted the last image of my dad to be the one where he was resting peacefully in the hospital bed after his heart beat for the very last time.
He looked like he was sleeping.
Why won't that image come back to me?
If I'm seeing my dad's face (and eyes) from that night every time I close my eyes I can't even imagine my mother's nights as she probably relives the events that led to those eyes. I only saw the aftermath and I'm traumatized.
Then I go on to relive the waiting, the wondering, then the day we had to free him. My nights suck.

Kidney stones don't care either.
Pain meds are long gone so I've been in absolute agony all week - and my doctor's appointment to talk about pain management is still 2 weeks away (the earliest they can get me in.)
I am trying to do what I can for mom, and while a lot has been done, I don't feel any sense of accomplishment.
I see the mountain of work still ahead and I see no way to conquer it.

I don't want this taken the wrong way, I'm not complaining (obviously I am in a general sense, but now getting specific), I am not jealous of my mother or my sister, I just feel so alone because my mom and my sister have so many people who are rallying around them - I don't.

I have my sister and mother, but I won't add to their grief, so I have no one to really vent to (aside from a really great friend who I know would listen to me cry, just listen, but I don't like it when I get like that, so I am trying to avoid it.)
I have no one who has given me a fruit basket.
Not that I want one, mind you, it's just the thought that I have no one.
No cards. No knocks at my door. No phone calls.
I normally like being alone. I'm most content when alone.
But now I've never felt so alone.
I realize now that when I die, aside from family and some great Facebook & gaming friends, I have no one who will care.
My father's funeral line had to be cut off after an hour.
Mine will require all of 5 minutes...maybe.
I just get so sad when I see all of the sympathy cards for mom.
My sister has cards from people she works with and her friends.
No one knows me so I got nothing.

I do not want stuff.

I am just feeling the crushing weight of loneliness during all of this.