I'm depressed.
(hence the Title)
In fact, I'm going to a (psychologist?) to have an "evaluation" on Friday. The RRB is sending me so they can "better assess my condition and reach a decision quickly" regarding my claim for Disability (which I filed 8 months ago in June).
So Friday...yeah. Until then I am left wondering what will be asked, how can I prove I'm depressed?
What if I'm too depressed? What if I'm not depressed enough? Why am I depressed? (WHY??)
I have been nauseous and shaking uncontrollably for the past two days.
I'm not eating.
I haven't slept.
I'm pretty sure I'm having a nervous breakdown, or at least panic attacks.
My chest hurts. My neck and arm gets these tingly, numb sensations (am I having a heart attack??)
I cry for no outward reason.
I tried making dinner tonight - well, I microwaved a dinner my mother brought over the other day, and I promptly dropped it on the way to the table, burning my leg - I collapsed to the floor in tears, cursing Fate (since I now know for certain "God" does not exist), gasping "I give up".
I am too tired anymore - physically and mentally. I literally want to die and get it over with.
So, no dinner again tonight.
I wasn't that hungry (I get nauseous thinking of food anyway), but I thought maybe eating would distract me for a few minutes.
It did, but I never got to eat.
I have no one to talk to. No one who understands (who could?)
I'm already bleeding my elderly parents dry of money each month (I WILL pay them back - if I ever get Disability), so I don't want to add my crying and bitching to their load either.
My sister is pregnant, she has her own problems with 3 children, a late-working husband and a bun in the oven.
My best friend died three years ago (his birthday is Monday, well, it would have been), so I have no one I see day to day.
I don't go out (I can't afford to)
I have two friends whom I email (from work, but they live too far away to visit), and there's only so much bitching I can do before they decide to leave me too.
(I never have anything nice to say, I'm always crying about my woes - it's only a matter of time before they bolt from me...)
I am alone.
Pressure continues to build.
Typing helps, but it doesn't solve anything - sometimes I even feel worse afterwards.
I know no one's reading this any way (the people I know get enough of this shit of mine directly from me, they don't want to go online and read this too).
I spent my last $10 today. (My monthly allotment of borrowed money from my folks)
I spent $1 on Duct Tape to ghetto-fix my car's rear window (it was my roommate's car, a soft top convertible, 8 years old, and the back window is falling off from the material - it dried out and cracked, now you can fit your hand through it). It's snowed (flurried) the past few days, and rain is supposed to be coming, and with the detached window, any water would go right onto the back area under the window, inside the car, and leak into the trunk, right on top of the electronics for the stereo (and who knows what else that system connects to). I have Inspection coming up in February, and I fear it won't pass the way it is (even Duct Taped), so I'm hoping the window can somehow be reattached/sealed and that I don't have to get a whole new soft top!
The remaining $9.00 I used to put gas in the tank (I was literally running on fumes - the Fuel light was on) so I had no choice.
The Oscar Nominations were earlier today - I can't believe BABEL got SEVEN, yes, I said SEVEN nominations!
For what?!
Has anyone else seen this movie?
I have, here's my review -> BABEL
It was a steaming pile of useless shit.
Dubbaya shoveled out more bullshit in his State of the Union Address.
If I don't wake up tomorrow (that's assuming I can actually fall asleep tonight) I wouldn't be unhappy.
