HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008
May 2008 treat you right.
May 2008 treat you right.Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Not Feeling "It"
So, it's been a while since I've posted anything.
I know it doesn't matter.
If you're reading this, you're the only one (besides me) who has.
I miss Colorado.
It was beautiful.
I reminded me there's Life out there (beyond my four walls), but it's not for me.
It doesn't want me around.
So I leave it alone.
The Colorado Trip is more than a month behind me now, and there's nothing in my future to be excited about
(as usual).
My cats like me.
At least I think they like me, they don't tell me, but I would like to hope they like me.
I sing to them and I think it makes them happy.
Kidney stones continue to plague me.
Migraines continue to plague me.
Post-surgery adhesion pains continue to plague me.
Dry skin & dandruff continue to plague me.
The very act of living continue to plague me.
Boo-hoo....woe is me.
I know. But I have nothing better to do, so let me be.
Until next time...
(although I know you'll never check back, whoever you are who stumbled upon this emo-tome)
RobMac
I know it doesn't matter.
If you're reading this, you're the only one (besides me) who has.
It was beautiful.
I reminded me there's Life out there (beyond my four walls), but it's not for me.
It doesn't want me around.
So I leave it alone.
The Colorado Trip is more than a month behind me now, and there's nothing in my future to be excited about
(as usual).
My cats like me.
At least I think they like me, they don't tell me, but I would like to hope they like me.
I sing to them and I think it makes them happy.
Kidney stones continue to plague me.
Migraines continue to plague me.
Post-surgery adhesion pains continue to plague me.
Dry skin & dandruff continue to plague me.
The very act of living continue to plague me.
Boo-hoo....woe is me.
I know. But I have nothing better to do, so let me be.
Until next time...
(although I know you'll never check back, whoever you are who stumbled upon this emo-tome)
RobMac
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Interesting Viral Video
Fake or not, this is pretty cool...
PART 1
PART 2
If it's fake, it is very well done.
The tracking, the focus in/out, the sound...it all matches pretty well...
If it's real...what can I say?
UPDATE : It's been suggested on The 'Net that this is a viral marketing campaign for J.J. Abram's upcoming "secret project" (aka Clover, or Cloverfield, or Slusho or 1-18-08), which kind of makes sense since the idea of the project is some kind of alien invasion but Abrams is being very tight lipped about it all. But whether it is or not, it's still cool.
See the trailer for 1-18-08 here : http://www.apple.com/trailers/paramount/11808/
And here's the IMDb entry : http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1060277/
PART 1
PART 2
If it's fake, it is very well done.
The tracking, the focus in/out, the sound...it all matches pretty well...
If it's real...what can I say?
UPDATE : It's been suggested on The 'Net that this is a viral marketing campaign for J.J. Abram's upcoming "secret project" (aka Clover, or Cloverfield, or Slusho or 1-18-08), which kind of makes sense since the idea of the project is some kind of alien invasion but Abrams is being very tight lipped about it all. But whether it is or not, it's still cool.
See the trailer for 1-18-08 here : http://www.apple.com/trailers/paramount/11808/
And here's the IMDb entry : http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1060277/
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Shores, Stones & Migraines
I spent July 5 to July 8 in Ocean City, NJ with my sister and her family (my brother-in-law, 3 nephews and my new niece). It felt great to get out of my prison for a few days to a place that holds a good number of happy memories growing up. Sitting on the beach and watching my nephews play in the sand, watching the waves crash, feeling the breeze of the ocean air on my face and in my lungs, then walking the boardwalk at night (slow though I am) - the happy feelings washed over me and I felt alive again.
Of course, the reminder that I shouldn't remain happy was the constant pissing of blood each night...but there was a reason for that.
Happiness is not meant to last, especially for me, so after getting home on Sunday, July 8, I immediately got a migraine Monday night, lasting into Wednesday, but not to be left with simple suffering, I was also visited by 2 super large kidney stones that took 5 days to move from my right kidney to my bladder, and then out on Sunday, July 15. So on Tuesday, July 10, I had a full-blown migraine AND kidney pains.
The two stones were 2cm x 1cm and 1cm x 1cm. Imagine those shooting out of your penis!
You'd think that would have been enough for one person for a while...not me.
Fate, it seems, was unhappy about me feeling the sense of Life again, if only for a few days.
Monday, July 16 saw a return of another migraine, lasting just under 24 hours, and then Thursday, July 26 gifted me with 2 more, smaller (but no less painful) kidney stones.
These were about 1/2cm x 1/2cm each.
BUT, I now have something else to look forward to in September, a trip is being planned, that I'm both excited and worried about...but that's for next time.
RobMac
Of course, the reminder that I shouldn't remain happy was the constant pissing of blood each night...but there was a reason for that.
Happiness is not meant to last, especially for me, so after getting home on Sunday, July 8, I immediately got a migraine Monday night, lasting into Wednesday, but not to be left with simple suffering, I was also visited by 2 super large kidney stones that took 5 days to move from my right kidney to my bladder, and then out on Sunday, July 15. So on Tuesday, July 10, I had a full-blown migraine AND kidney pains.
The two stones were 2cm x 1cm and 1cm x 1cm. Imagine those shooting out of your penis!
You'd think that would have been enough for one person for a while...not me.
Fate, it seems, was unhappy about me feeling the sense of Life again, if only for a few days.
Monday, July 16 saw a return of another migraine, lasting just under 24 hours, and then Thursday, July 26 gifted me with 2 more, smaller (but no less painful) kidney stones.
These were about 1/2cm x 1/2cm each.
BUT, I now have something else to look forward to in September, a trip is being planned, that I'm both excited and worried about...but that's for next time.
RobMac
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Life = 123,856,245 / Rob = 0
July 3, 1970 - Born
July 3, 2007 - 13,514 days later and not a Goddamned thing accomplished in my Life to be proud of
Talk about a waste of time and space...
It's my birthday.
Nobody cares, not even me.
July 3, 2007 - 13,514 days later and not a Goddamned thing accomplished in my Life to be proud of
Talk about a waste of time and space...
It's my birthday.
Nobody cares, not even me.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Life, The Universe And Everything - Sucks
Why can't I die?
Fate doesn't seem to want to stop fucking with me.
My father calls me "strong" for "surviving all that I have", but I'm not strong, I'm weak, I should have died many, many, MANY times over the past 11 years, the only thing I haven't been able to do is die successfully. That's nothing to be proud of, and it's certainly not "being strong".
Today, like most days this past decade, I wish I hadn't woken up.
Nothing spectacularly surprising or "bad" happened, I just wish I wasn't alive.
I wish this most days.
MAYBE, if Fate is busy somewhere else, leaving me alone, I can at least feel minimal pain, feel that maybe it's a good thing I'm not dead yet - feel...something, other than pain, but that rarely lasts more than a full day, and usually only every other week or so.
I have no friends that I "see" regularly. I have a few I hear from time and again via email, but I haven't seen anybody in the last 3 years other than family, and the few neighbors I say "HI" to from time to time while walking outside.
I barely go "out".
I haven't been outside in the past 4 days, though that's nothing, I have gone, quite literally, for WEEKS without stepping a foot outside my door.
I cry for no reason, or at least, no readily apparent reason, though I usually get so depressed that I'm crying for no reason that I will then have a panic attack and break into an even more intense crying session.
I'll throw up.
I'll cry more.
I'll think disgusting, hateful thoughts.
I'll hate myself for thinking those disgusting, hateful thoughts.
I'll throw up some more.
One thing I can't do well, other than enjoy anything, is sleep.
Most nights I only half-succeed.
On nights when I get really lucky, I'll sleep 4 hours.
Being sick sucks.
People who haven't been sick, for long periods of time (I'm talking YEARS, not days) have NO IDEA what it's like to be sick. People can't even grasp the idea that almost every day for an entire DECADE, a person can be sad and in physical (and mental) pain.
Pain (physical & especially mental) is so subjective, it's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it the hopelessness you feel after, oh, say 11 years.
I am mentally beaten, I may as well be brain dead because I can't think straight any more.
I don't want to get out of bed.
I don't want to eat.
I don't want to talk.
I don't want to see anyone.
I don't want anyone to see me.
I don't want to be alive.
Yet, here I am, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, a decade after becoming sick and losing the ability to control my own body - I'm alive, but I'm not living. This is not "alive", this is just a body that refuses to accept reality and just stop functioning. It's prison. I'm trapped. There is no parole.
How I wish for death to find me and end my misery.
I have no purpose. I have no function.
I exist only to annoy, and depress other people with my constant, unending suffering and complaining.
Fate won't let me go.
I despise Fate.
Fate continues to torture me day after day.
When my suffering ends - it will be years too late.
Fate doesn't seem to want to stop fucking with me.
My father calls me "strong" for "surviving all that I have", but I'm not strong, I'm weak, I should have died many, many, MANY times over the past 11 years, the only thing I haven't been able to do is die successfully. That's nothing to be proud of, and it's certainly not "being strong".
Today, like most days this past decade, I wish I hadn't woken up.
Nothing spectacularly surprising or "bad" happened, I just wish I wasn't alive.
I wish this most days.
MAYBE, if Fate is busy somewhere else, leaving me alone, I can at least feel minimal pain, feel that maybe it's a good thing I'm not dead yet - feel...something, other than pain, but that rarely lasts more than a full day, and usually only every other week or so.
I have no friends that I "see" regularly. I have a few I hear from time and again via email, but I haven't seen anybody in the last 3 years other than family, and the few neighbors I say "HI" to from time to time while walking outside.
I barely go "out".
I haven't been outside in the past 4 days, though that's nothing, I have gone, quite literally, for WEEKS without stepping a foot outside my door.
I cry for no reason, or at least, no readily apparent reason, though I usually get so depressed that I'm crying for no reason that I will then have a panic attack and break into an even more intense crying session.
I'll throw up.
I'll cry more.
I'll think disgusting, hateful thoughts.
I'll hate myself for thinking those disgusting, hateful thoughts.
I'll throw up some more.
One thing I can't do well, other than enjoy anything, is sleep.
Most nights I only half-succeed.
On nights when I get really lucky, I'll sleep 4 hours.
Being sick sucks.
People who haven't been sick, for long periods of time (I'm talking YEARS, not days) have NO IDEA what it's like to be sick. People can't even grasp the idea that almost every day for an entire DECADE, a person can be sad and in physical (and mental) pain.
Pain (physical & especially mental) is so subjective, it's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it the hopelessness you feel after, oh, say 11 years.
I am mentally beaten, I may as well be brain dead because I can't think straight any more.
I don't want to get out of bed.
I don't want to eat.
I don't want to talk.
I don't want to see anyone.
I don't want anyone to see me.
I don't want to be alive.
Yet, here I am, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, a decade after becoming sick and losing the ability to control my own body - I'm alive, but I'm not living. This is not "alive", this is just a body that refuses to accept reality and just stop functioning. It's prison. I'm trapped. There is no parole.
How I wish for death to find me and end my misery.
I have no purpose. I have no function.
I exist only to annoy, and depress other people with my constant, unending suffering and complaining.
Fate won't let me go.
I despise Fate.
Fate continues to torture me day after day.
When my suffering ends - it will be years too late.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Good News....BUT...
O-kay, first the "Good News":
As of March 21, 2007, yesterday, I was finally APPROVED for my Disability claim.
I was found to be "permanently and medically Disabled" by the Railroad Retirement Board (RRB).
...now for the "but"....
When I first filed, June1, 2006, I was advised that once I was approved (if approved, of course), payments would be retro-active for a year from the filing date.
Which means that I should have recieved back-pay from June 2005 to June 2006, plus the months since filing, July 2006 to now (March 2007).
A total of 22 months.
According to the RRB, it was found that my Disability began January of 2007, of which I could receive one month back from then, from December 2006.
BUT I also need to wait one more month until the payment is calculated and can begin.
(The huge file they have for my Medical Records, going all the way back to 1996 is not enough to prove I was disabled before January of this year for some reason, even though I haven't been able to afford to see any of my doctors since February of 2006!)
Back in June 2006 they gave me a number of what my monthly check would be (which I won't divulge here), but that now has to be "recalculated" for some reason - PLUS I won't even know any of that for another month (mid-to-late-April)!!
They are sending out a packet with my approval and explanation, and how to appeal their decision.
I can appeal, which I most likely will
(I was expecting TWENTY-TWO months back-pay, not FOUR!)
I won't even be able to repay my folks for all the money I have been forced to borrow from them!
I had every intention of paying them back every penny they've loaned me, and I would have been able to, comfortably, with 22 months back-pay....but not any more. That's what hurts the most.
So, even though they finally made a decision, they are still screwing with me.
RobMac
As of March 21, 2007, yesterday, I was finally APPROVED for my Disability claim.
I was found to be "permanently and medically Disabled" by the Railroad Retirement Board (RRB).
...now for the "but"....
When I first filed, June1, 2006, I was advised that once I was approved (if approved, of course), payments would be retro-active for a year from the filing date.
Which means that I should have recieved back-pay from June 2005 to June 2006, plus the months since filing, July 2006 to now (March 2007).
A total of 22 months.
According to the RRB, it was found that my Disability began January of 2007, of which I could receive one month back from then, from December 2006.
BUT I also need to wait one more month until the payment is calculated and can begin.
(The huge file they have for my Medical Records, going all the way back to 1996 is not enough to prove I was disabled before January of this year for some reason, even though I haven't been able to afford to see any of my doctors since February of 2006!)
Back in June 2006 they gave me a number of what my monthly check would be (which I won't divulge here), but that now has to be "recalculated" for some reason - PLUS I won't even know any of that for another month (mid-to-late-April)!!
They are sending out a packet with my approval and explanation, and how to appeal their decision.
I can appeal, which I most likely will
(I was expecting TWENTY-TWO months back-pay, not FOUR!)
I won't even be able to repay my folks for all the money I have been forced to borrow from them!
I had every intention of paying them back every penny they've loaned me, and I would have been able to, comfortably, with 22 months back-pay....but not any more. That's what hurts the most.
So, even though they finally made a decision, they are still screwing with me.
RobMac
Monday, March 12, 2007
LIARS
Read the posts dated February 26, 2007 or earlier for backstory....
Today is Monday, March 12, 2007.
It's now been 284 days since filing for Disability with the Railroad Retirement Board (RRB), and I STILL have no fucking answer as to my Claim status.
I was promised two weeks ago, on February 26, that my Case Examiner (my CE) said "(I) would definitely have an answer within two weeks"
It's now exactly two weeks later, so today would be the last day to either Approve or Deny my Claim before the preceding statement becomes another lie.
It did.
I called at 1015am, spoke to someone who didn't know their ass from a hole in the ground, and was told "there's still no update on your Claim." I asked them to transfer me to the person who's been helping me for the past 9+ months (I'll just call her "my friend" as I don't want to get anyone in unnecessary trouble) and was told "she's busy".
I asked to leave a message for "my friend".
She said she will.
I called back at 1115am and the RRB was "busy".
(There was a pre-recorded message stating such).
I called again at 1130am, got the previous moron, so i hung up.
I called back, I got "my friend", and she looked into the computer file and said "She (my CE) looked at my Claim File on Friday" and then I was told "She (my CE) hadn't made a decision yet..."
"My friend" then said "Let's give her (my CE) until Friday".
Why?
If she looked into my File this past Friday, what didn't she see that would have convinced her to make a decision?
And why will waiting another business-week make any difference?
What will appear this week that they don't have from the past 11 years??
I was so depressed and frustrated that I feebly told "my friend" that "...I was lied to once again. There's nothing I can do against a huge bureaucracy like the RRB, so I have no choice but to continue to wait."
(And that's why they fuck you over : Because they can.)
I also asked her "What are the chances that on Friday I won't be lied to once again?"
(Of course, she cannot answer this, I didn't expect her to. "My friend" has been nothing but nice and sympathetic to me and has talked to my Case Examiner on my behalf before, and hopefully she will again, but I know there's nothing that she can do.)
I honestly don't know how or why I haven't actually killed myself before now...why am I waiting?
They obviously don't care that mortgages have to be paid, that utilities can be shut off, that food needs to be bought - in short The RRB doesn't care that real people are being hurt by their reluctance to provide an answer to a Claim filed more that nine months ago, and that it "usually (only) takes five months".
Maybe if my folks sent them my Death Certificate, at least a decision could finally be made : Denied.
Today is Monday, March 12, 2007.
It's now been 284 days since filing for Disability with the Railroad Retirement Board (RRB), and I STILL have no fucking answer as to my Claim status.
I was promised two weeks ago, on February 26, that my Case Examiner (my CE) said "(I) would definitely have an answer within two weeks"
It's now exactly two weeks later, so today would be the last day to either Approve or Deny my Claim before the preceding statement becomes another lie.
It did.
I called at 1015am, spoke to someone who didn't know their ass from a hole in the ground, and was told "there's still no update on your Claim." I asked them to transfer me to the person who's been helping me for the past 9+ months (I'll just call her "my friend" as I don't want to get anyone in unnecessary trouble) and was told "she's busy".
I asked to leave a message for "my friend".
She said she will.
I called back at 1115am and the RRB was "busy".
(There was a pre-recorded message stating such).
I called again at 1130am, got the previous moron, so i hung up.
I called back, I got "my friend", and she looked into the computer file and said "She (my CE) looked at my Claim File on Friday" and then I was told "She (my CE) hadn't made a decision yet..."
"My friend" then said "Let's give her (my CE) until Friday".
Why?
If she looked into my File this past Friday, what didn't she see that would have convinced her to make a decision?
And why will waiting another business-week make any difference?
What will appear this week that they don't have from the past 11 years??
I was so depressed and frustrated that I feebly told "my friend" that "...I was lied to once again. There's nothing I can do against a huge bureaucracy like the RRB, so I have no choice but to continue to wait."
(And that's why they fuck you over : Because they can.)
I also asked her "What are the chances that on Friday I won't be lied to once again?"
(Of course, she cannot answer this, I didn't expect her to. "My friend" has been nothing but nice and sympathetic to me and has talked to my Case Examiner on my behalf before, and hopefully she will again, but I know there's nothing that she can do.)
I honestly don't know how or why I haven't actually killed myself before now...why am I waiting?
They obviously don't care that mortgages have to be paid, that utilities can be shut off, that food needs to be bought - in short The RRB doesn't care that real people are being hurt by their reluctance to provide an answer to a Claim filed more that nine months ago, and that it "usually (only) takes five months".
Maybe if my folks sent them my Death Certificate, at least a decision could finally be made : Denied.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
It's a GIRL!!!
The world and & I welcome :
Caroline Marie Takacs
My first niece!
Caroline Marie Takacs
My first niece!She was born today at12:06pm (EDT)
She weighs 6lbs. 15oz.
I AM THE HAPPIEST I HAVE BEEN SINCE
MY LAST NEPHEW WAS BORN APRIL 1, 2004.
How long will happiness last?
(I am still awaiting word from the RRB)
RobMac
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
No Stone, No Word, No Baby
So, the kidney stone never came out, but on Saturday the pee started flowing more freely, the pain started going away and the infection cleared up.
Since it never came out, it had to have gone back in!
So it sits, waiting....
No word yet from the Railroad Retirement Board regarding my Disability claim...they have until Monday before the "you'll definitely have a decision within two weeks..." becomes another lie.
And my first niece, Caroline, is due any minute now.
The doctor tells my sister that the baby has dropped and is "ready to go"!!
I have 3 nephews, and this is my first niece. It will be different.
RobMac
Since it never came out, it had to have gone back in!
So it sits, waiting....
No word yet from the Railroad Retirement Board regarding my Disability claim...they have until Monday before the "you'll definitely have a decision within two weeks..." becomes another lie.
And my first niece, Caroline, is due any minute now.
The doctor tells my sister that the baby has dropped and is "ready to go"!!
I have 3 nephews, and this is my first niece. It will be different.
RobMac
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Coming To An End & Never Ending...
As of Monday, February 26, two things have happened :
1) If the Railroad Retirement Board is to be believed, my claim for Disability "...will be made within the two weeks..." - so even though they tell me every month "you'll hear next month", this time I was promised, apparently directly from my "Case Examiner" - so....we'll see.
2) I have been trying to pass a HUGE kidney stone for the past 100+ hours...
There are several stages to passing a kidney stone:
The first indication is usually a urinary tract infection, which shows itself as sudden, then a constant dull back pain on one side of the back (whichever kidney is making the stone, in this case the left kidney), nausea, and dark, cloudy urine. The "infection" usually passes within 24 hours (at least it always does for me).
The second is the pain as the stone leaves the kidney and travels down the ureter, the tube that connects the kidney to the bladder. At this point, I can feel exactly where a stone is on this journey.
Once the stone reaches the bladder the pain usually subsides for a while - anywhere from a day to weeks.
Once the stone decides to leave the bladder, the third part of the adventure begins. The stone (comparatively, it's like a softball trying to fit into a typical house drainpipe) usually makes a quick exit from the body by using the force of the urine behind it to shoot from the penis like a bullet.
Well, as of today, my bullet has been stuck in my chamber for four full days now.
Thankfully, I am still urinating (when I stop making urine, that means my kidneys are shutting down, again, and sepsis is possible, which would then put me back into the hospital), but the pee is hard to get started (though the pressure builds to intolerable forces), and I can usually just get a weak stream, which takes a while to let pass to reduce the pressure behind the stone, and I try not to strain, but sometimes I push like I'm in labor (can it really not be the same thing?), and I usually wind up on the verge of passing out.
I am drinking like a fish (again, I DO NOT want to stop peeing - that's BAD!), but 4 days and counting and still no movement.
"That's horrible!" you may say (go ahead, you can, because it is), but the worst part is that until I am approved for Disability I have no Medical Insurance, which means that unless I am approved in the next two weeks and have to be hospitalized, I'm totally screwed.
So, the past 100 or so hours have NOT been kind to me.
("as if any of the other 'past 96,000' hours have been?!")
RobMac
1) If the Railroad Retirement Board is to be believed, my claim for Disability "...will be made within the two weeks..." - so even though they tell me every month "you'll hear next month", this time I was promised, apparently directly from my "Case Examiner" - so....we'll see.
2) I have been trying to pass a HUGE kidney stone for the past 100+ hours...
There are several stages to passing a kidney stone:
The first indication is usually a urinary tract infection, which shows itself as sudden, then a constant dull back pain on one side of the back (whichever kidney is making the stone, in this case the left kidney), nausea, and dark, cloudy urine. The "infection" usually passes within 24 hours (at least it always does for me).
The second is the pain as the stone leaves the kidney and travels down the ureter, the tube that connects the kidney to the bladder. At this point, I can feel exactly where a stone is on this journey.
Once the stone reaches the bladder the pain usually subsides for a while - anywhere from a day to weeks.
Once the stone decides to leave the bladder, the third part of the adventure begins. The stone (comparatively, it's like a softball trying to fit into a typical house drainpipe) usually makes a quick exit from the body by using the force of the urine behind it to shoot from the penis like a bullet.
Well, as of today, my bullet has been stuck in my chamber for four full days now.
Thankfully, I am still urinating (when I stop making urine, that means my kidneys are shutting down, again, and sepsis is possible, which would then put me back into the hospital), but the pee is hard to get started (though the pressure builds to intolerable forces), and I can usually just get a weak stream, which takes a while to let pass to reduce the pressure behind the stone, and I try not to strain, but sometimes I push like I'm in labor (can it really not be the same thing?), and I usually wind up on the verge of passing out.
I am drinking like a fish (again, I DO NOT want to stop peeing - that's BAD!), but 4 days and counting and still no movement.
"That's horrible!" you may say (go ahead, you can, because it is), but the worst part is that until I am approved for Disability I have no Medical Insurance, which means that unless I am approved in the next two weeks and have to be hospitalized, I'm totally screwed.
So, the past 100 or so hours have NOT been kind to me.
("as if any of the other 'past 96,000' hours have been?!")
RobMac
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
...So What's New?...
I'm depressed.
(hence the Title)
In fact, I'm going to a (psychologist?) to have an "evaluation" on Friday. The RRB is sending me so they can "better assess my condition and reach a decision quickly" regarding my claim for Disability (which I filed 8 months ago in June).
So Friday...yeah. Until then I am left wondering what will be asked, how can I prove I'm depressed?
What if I'm too depressed? What if I'm not depressed enough? Why am I depressed? (WHY??)
I have been nauseous and shaking uncontrollably for the past two days.
I'm not eating.
I haven't slept.
I'm pretty sure I'm having a nervous breakdown, or at least panic attacks.
My chest hurts. My neck and arm gets these tingly, numb sensations (am I having a heart attack??)
I cry for no outward reason.
I tried making dinner tonight - well, I microwaved a dinner my mother brought over the other day, and I promptly dropped it on the way to the table, burning my leg - I collapsed to the floor in tears, cursing Fate (since I now know for certain "God" does not exist), gasping "I give up".
I am too tired anymore - physically and mentally. I literally want to die and get it over with.
So, no dinner again tonight.
I wasn't that hungry (I get nauseous thinking of food anyway), but I thought maybe eating would distract me for a few minutes.
It did, but I never got to eat.
I have no one to talk to. No one who understands (who could?)
I'm already bleeding my elderly parents dry of money each month (I WILL pay them back - if I ever get Disability), so I don't want to add my crying and bitching to their load either.
My sister is pregnant, she has her own problems with 3 children, a late-working husband and a bun in the oven.
My best friend died three years ago (his birthday is Monday, well, it would have been), so I have no one I see day to day.
I don't go out (I can't afford to)
I have two friends whom I email (from work, but they live too far away to visit), and there's only so much bitching I can do before they decide to leave me too.
(I never have anything nice to say, I'm always crying about my woes - it's only a matter of time before they bolt from me...)
I am alone.
Pressure continues to build.
Typing helps, but it doesn't solve anything - sometimes I even feel worse afterwards.
I know no one's reading this any way (the people I know get enough of this shit of mine directly from me, they don't want to go online and read this too).
I spent my last $10 today. (My monthly allotment of borrowed money from my folks)
I spent $1 on Duct Tape to ghetto-fix my car's rear window (it was my roommate's car, a soft top convertible, 8 years old, and the back window is falling off from the material - it dried out and cracked, now you can fit your hand through it). It's snowed (flurried) the past few days, and rain is supposed to be coming, and with the detached window, any water would go right onto the back area under the window, inside the car, and leak into the trunk, right on top of the electronics for the stereo (and who knows what else that system connects to). I have Inspection coming up in February, and I fear it won't pass the way it is (even Duct Taped), so I'm hoping the window can somehow be reattached/sealed and that I don't have to get a whole new soft top!
The remaining $9.00 I used to put gas in the tank (I was literally running on fumes - the Fuel light was on) so I had no choice.
The Oscar Nominations were earlier today - I can't believe BABEL got SEVEN, yes, I said SEVEN nominations!
For what?!
Has anyone else seen this movie?
I have, here's my review -> BABEL
It was a steaming pile of useless shit.
Dubbaya shoveled out more bullshit in his State of the Union Address.
If I don't wake up tomorrow (that's assuming I can actually fall asleep tonight) I wouldn't be unhappy.
(hence the Title)
In fact, I'm going to a (psychologist?) to have an "evaluation" on Friday. The RRB is sending me so they can "better assess my condition and reach a decision quickly" regarding my claim for Disability (which I filed 8 months ago in June).
So Friday...yeah. Until then I am left wondering what will be asked, how can I prove I'm depressed?
What if I'm too depressed? What if I'm not depressed enough? Why am I depressed? (WHY??)
I have been nauseous and shaking uncontrollably for the past two days.
I'm not eating.
I haven't slept.
I'm pretty sure I'm having a nervous breakdown, or at least panic attacks.
My chest hurts. My neck and arm gets these tingly, numb sensations (am I having a heart attack??)
I cry for no outward reason.
I tried making dinner tonight - well, I microwaved a dinner my mother brought over the other day, and I promptly dropped it on the way to the table, burning my leg - I collapsed to the floor in tears, cursing Fate (since I now know for certain "God" does not exist), gasping "I give up".
I am too tired anymore - physically and mentally. I literally want to die and get it over with.
So, no dinner again tonight.
I wasn't that hungry (I get nauseous thinking of food anyway), but I thought maybe eating would distract me for a few minutes.
It did, but I never got to eat.
I have no one to talk to. No one who understands (who could?)
I'm already bleeding my elderly parents dry of money each month (I WILL pay them back - if I ever get Disability), so I don't want to add my crying and bitching to their load either.
My sister is pregnant, she has her own problems with 3 children, a late-working husband and a bun in the oven.
My best friend died three years ago (his birthday is Monday, well, it would have been), so I have no one I see day to day.
I don't go out (I can't afford to)
I have two friends whom I email (from work, but they live too far away to visit), and there's only so much bitching I can do before they decide to leave me too.
(I never have anything nice to say, I'm always crying about my woes - it's only a matter of time before they bolt from me...)
I am alone.
Pressure continues to build.
Typing helps, but it doesn't solve anything - sometimes I even feel worse afterwards.
I know no one's reading this any way (the people I know get enough of this shit of mine directly from me, they don't want to go online and read this too).
I spent my last $10 today. (My monthly allotment of borrowed money from my folks)
I spent $1 on Duct Tape to ghetto-fix my car's rear window (it was my roommate's car, a soft top convertible, 8 years old, and the back window is falling off from the material - it dried out and cracked, now you can fit your hand through it). It's snowed (flurried) the past few days, and rain is supposed to be coming, and with the detached window, any water would go right onto the back area under the window, inside the car, and leak into the trunk, right on top of the electronics for the stereo (and who knows what else that system connects to). I have Inspection coming up in February, and I fear it won't pass the way it is (even Duct Taped), so I'm hoping the window can somehow be reattached/sealed and that I don't have to get a whole new soft top!
The remaining $9.00 I used to put gas in the tank (I was literally running on fumes - the Fuel light was on) so I had no choice.
The Oscar Nominations were earlier today - I can't believe BABEL got SEVEN, yes, I said SEVEN nominations!
For what?!
Has anyone else seen this movie?
I have, here's my review -> BABEL
It was a steaming pile of useless shit.
Dubbaya shoveled out more bullshit in his State of the Union Address.
If I don't wake up tomorrow (that's assuming I can actually fall asleep tonight) I wouldn't be unhappy.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
MDC...3 Years On...
Michael Dean CohenJanuary 29, 1956 ~ January 13, 2004
My Best Friend.
I still miss you, Bud...but you will never be forgotten.
RobMac
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Every Year...I Never Learn
Every year my father loves to watch The Mummers from beginning to end, though he usually can't watch the end due to dinner, guests, going out, yada yada yada....
(This year it was surprise birthday party for my mother at my sister's, which went off without a hitch!)
So every year I set my TiVo to record The Mummers and every year they run late and I always miss the last 5 or more String Band performances (which my father likes the best).
[Last year I missed the last 7!]
This year was no different, even though I thought I had plenty of cushion room (started an hour early, from scheduled time, and ended TWO HOURS late, from scheduled time).
Of course, this year, rain canceled The Mummers on January 1st, and it was rescheduled for yesterday to start at 9:00am, but it was on a "Rain Delay" and apparently started about 90 minutes late, and even with two hours extra padding at the end (from the scheduled end of the parade) I once again missed the last 4 String Band performances!
So I am asking if anyone out there also records The Mummers (or did this year, or knows of any friends, family, friends of family or family of friends) and has at least the last 4 String Bands on tape or DVD -
Can anyone out there help me out???
[I need Avalon, Fralinger, Durling & Joseph A. Ferko's performances]
I can't offer much, I have no money, so I'm hoping for some generous donation of these 4 String Band performances...
I checked BitTorrent sites, but no one has anything posted (yet?)...if you have them in a video format like .WMV, and can email them (individually if necessary), that could work too (I can burn them to DVD from my computer).
HELP!?
RobMac
(This year it was surprise birthday party for my mother at my sister's, which went off without a hitch!)
So every year I set my TiVo to record The Mummers and every year they run late and I always miss the last 5 or more String Band performances (which my father likes the best).
[Last year I missed the last 7!]
This year was no different, even though I thought I had plenty of cushion room (started an hour early, from scheduled time, and ended TWO HOURS late, from scheduled time).
Of course, this year, rain canceled The Mummers on January 1st, and it was rescheduled for yesterday to start at 9:00am, but it was on a "Rain Delay" and apparently started about 90 minutes late, and even with two hours extra padding at the end (from the scheduled end of the parade) I once again missed the last 4 String Band performances!
So I am asking if anyone out there also records The Mummers (or did this year, or knows of any friends, family, friends of family or family of friends) and has at least the last 4 String Bands on tape or DVD -
Can anyone out there help me out???
[I need Avalon, Fralinger, Durling & Joseph A. Ferko's performances]
I can't offer much, I have no money, so I'm hoping for some generous donation of these 4 String Band performances...
I checked BitTorrent sites, but no one has anything posted (yet?)...if you have them in a video format like .WMV, and can email them (individually if necessary), that could work too (I can burn them to DVD from my computer).
HELP!?
RobMac
Monday, January 01, 2007
A New Year
I can only hope 2007 is better than 2006, 2005, 2004, 2003, 2002, 2001, 2000, 1999, 1998, 1997 & 1996.
Hope
That's all I can do any more...if only it were enough.
RobMac
Hope
That's all I can do any more...if only it were enough.
RobMac
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