I've been on this planet now for 36 years and at this point in my life I've accomplished exactly nothing.
I've lived a fairly meaningless life up to the age of 26 and was content with that, just going to work, collecting a paycheck and occasionally going somewhere for a day of relaxation
Then came November 1995, something strange started happening to me and I got scared.
After 6 months of false diagnosis and medical confusion a smart doctor entered my life briefly to tell me I was suffering from something called Crohn's Disease, an Inflammatory Bowel Disease that was giving me severe bouts of diarrhea and vomiting - I weighed in at 137lbs on April 19, 1996 when the diagnosis was made.
It only got worse from then on.
In Decemebr of 2000 I had to have my Colon removed, all of it, and within a few days I had 1 foot of small intestine die and had to undergo emergency surgery. I remember the stay in ICU after this procedure because the hospital had me on some pain medication (I don't know what it was) and even though I was aware of my surroundings I distinctly remember the doctor and my family standing over me giving me the prognosis of the surgery (strange I can't remember a word of that conversation) and that's when I saw the smiling teddy bear sitting on my doctor's shoulder smiling at me - I was freaked, but comforted. I was surprised to see this small teddy there but felt strangely secure knowing it was watching me. God? No. I've never experienced a hallucination like that before - or since - but I remember it vividly.
I had to have a total of 5 surgeries to create and eventually repair my stoma (and remove my rectum and anus) giving me a permanent Ileostomy.
That was a rough year (2001).
I still suffer from adhesions from those surgeries.
It only got worse from then on.
In 2002 I started getting kidney stone attacks. They would come, pass and then be over. The pain would be severe - I would shake, sweat and vomit - but it would only last for hours to a day.
In 2003 one more kidney stone came, and stayed around, making a home for itself in my right kidney.
It took over 1 year and 4 surgeries to finally get that son-of-a-bitch out.
It only got worse from then on.
In 2004 I had to have my Gall Bladder removed.
The kidney stones continued...
It only got worse from then on.
In June 2005 I had a kidney infection from another stone that caused me to fall and tear my right Rotator Cuff, the pain was excrutiating. I had to live with Level 15 pain until September 2005 when I finally got surgery to fix it, but now, July 2006, I am still healing, and still in fairly crappy shape.
It only got worse from then on.
Thanksgiving of 2005 was rough because I felt a new stone forming. That weekend it started to move through my ureter but decided to stop just outside my bladder, causing urine to stop and back-up (like a clogged drain), giving me a nasty kidney infection that turned into sepsis and eventually caused my kidneys to shut down for a few days. After a few days in ICU being pumped full of fluids, I began peeing again (but only after again suffering the dreaded Foley Catheter).
So far in 2006 I still suffer from chronic kidney stones.
No amount of medication seems to help reduce them.
Then, without warning, the company I have been on a Medical Leave of Absence from for 3 years, stops my Health Insurance. Now I can no longer see any doctors for my kidney stones or my torn shoulder - I live in fear each day that another malady will debilitate me and I won't be able to afford to keep myself alive.
To paraphrase a line in the movie Office Space - "Each day is worse than the one before it, so any day you see it it's the worst day of my life." - That's exactly how I feel.
Every day I feel worse than the day before.
Every day IS, in fact, the worst day of my life.
Now, as I turn 36, and I examine my life so far, I am:
1) Amazed I am still alive (if this is actually considered being alive)
and
2) How little I've accomplished in my life.
I haven't contributed to Society in any meaningful way.
I drain everyone around me with my constant frustration at my situation.
My health problems only continue to get worse.
I do absolutely nothing - every single Gaddamned day.
I don't deserve to be here, I am useless, I am alone, and I am afraid.
But I am not allowed to die - either by God, or Fate or whatever higher power you choose to believe is controlling everything.
36...Bah...I'll be lucky to see 40 (or am I cursed to see 40?)
Another year of proof that my Life sucks - how many more are in store?
My birthdays are never happy. I wish they'd just stop coming.
RobMac
