I had a good few days down the shore last week, but Life, as always, returns to normal.
"Normal" for me is miserable.
I am in constant and severe, pain; my back (kidneys) hurt, my shoulder that I had repaired 9 years ago is acting up. It doesn't feel like it's re-torn, I still have full range of motion, but goddamn it fucking hurts ALL the time now. It's been getting bad over the last few months, and the 90 minute drive to Ocean City, NJ made it feel like it was going to fall off (just hanging onto the steering wheel was a chore!)
I continue to pass fragments of the stones that have been giving me grief over the past month, and it feels like another chunk is stuck today, right where it hurts the most. So I'm drinking like a fish to try to force that fucker out ASAP!
I saw my Nephrologist (kidney doctor) yesterday; I had made a routine appointment way back in December 2013 and completely forgot about it (been a little busy as of late) but I kept it.
My Creatine levels [http://www.medicinenet.com/creatinine_blood_test/article.htm] are all fucked up because of the very recent renal failure, so the years of work getting those levels back up have completely disappeared, so once again I start from scratch.
I have new lab work that needs to be done (to test the current levels - along with a whole host of other levels they're keeping an eye one) but I'm going to put those off until later in the week.
While driving to/from the doctor, my father (who always comes along, mostly because I like a second set of ears as I'm usually in a foul mood) decided to berate me for never accepting my mother's recent dinner requests. She asks me to come over for dinner, but I have been passing on those as of late because the kidney problems have made me extremely nauseous and I have lost 18 pounds in the last 3 weeks. He made me feel like shit even though I told him I really wasn't hungry and not eating (something that was confirmed when he witnessed the ritualistic weigh-in at the doctor's office. He was surprised I lost 18 pounds but I told him I wasn't lying to get out of going over to their house to eat, I REALLY AM sick.)
So today mom calls and asks me to come over for steak sandwiches.
I REALLY don't want to (again - VERY nauseous all the time, especially now with the stuck kidney stone!) but I can't keep saying "No", so for dad's sake (and yes, hers too) I said "Yes."
She's also coming over to clean my place today.
I know she's gonna give me tons of shit because I haven't been keeping up with cleaning as, you guessed it, I've been HURTING and sick the last 3 weeks!
Not looking forward to the admonishments.
Also on the way to the doctor's appointment yesterday, Life threw me another glitch: my car's "Check Engine" light came back on.
This after 2 separate repair jobs in the last 2 months that cost about $2,000.
So what is it now?!?!?!
It just never fucking ends.
I am exhausted. Mentally & physically exhausted.
I got a bit of a reboot while down the shore (It is my "Happy Place") but that also seems to have evaporated with the prospect that "it" (Life) just never stops kicking me in the nuts while I'm most helpless.
I cry almost every night, sometimes just randomly during the day and always in the morning when I'm trying to get out of bed and get my body going.
I feel so weak.
Not just physically, but I'm emotionally weak, which is why I'm always a Debby Downer.
I try to look on the bright side of Life, but I get very few (and very brief) glimpses of it that it's hard to remember it exists. It's hard to be optimistic when my life has been filled with disappointment and pain for the past 18 years - nearly non-stop!
I cry when I wake up because...well, most days it's because I wake up.
Before I know it summer will be over and it'll be back to the grind (which I mentally love) but it takes a huge toll on me physically.
It's hard to keep hoping for an end to all this when even a "light at the end of the tunnel" no longer ever presents itself.
