It's hard to keep a "happy face" convincing after 20 years.
Mom asks what I do upstairs all day.
While I do anything she wants any time she wants, I feel like she thinks I do nothing (when in reality I am either crying, letting my "happy face" recharge, or trying to pass the time until she needs me again.)
I don't know how to keep a 78 year old woman entertained (when nothing entertains her.)
She asks me frequently what I plan to do with my stuff.
It's my stuff, I am selling my own place so I can't keep it there, what else am I supposed to do with it?
I feel like an intruder.
I am in severe pain all day, every day (and it's been getting worse due to an non-moving kidney stone, which I believe is now too big to come out and I fear for the inevitable hospital visit when it becomes too hard to "deal with".)
I lost my father, my home, my independence again.
Every day is a waiting game.
I feel like I'm just waiting out the time until mom is gone.
I fear for the morning when I wake up and she doesn't.
I am dealing with this alone.
I am selfish in that I feel trapped.
I am a horrible person and I am actually very sad every day when I actually do wake up. Most nights I hope I don't make it to another morning.
I have no one to share this with and I had to get it out.
I know no one will see this, but it's eating me up inside and I have to try to get some of it out.
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Thursday, March 19, 2015
New Year, New Problem(s)
So it's been 2015 for more than 3 months (3.5 really) and while not much has changed as far as the kidney stones are concerned (I still have them regularly) and recently things have started acting up in Life again.
I sold my old car (a 1998 Mercury Grand Marquis GS) and only got $220.49 for it from WeBuyAnyCar.com. It was initially estimated to be worth $905.00 online (in good, running condition) but the lack of use during this extremely cold winter seems to have had a horrible effect on it. When I went to get it to bring to WeBuyAnyCar's office, it smoked and rattled like it never has. All of a sudden it's a total piece of shit. I could never get rid of it in a private sale now, so I was kind of stuck with accepting the $220 just to avoid any headache of haggling with people over it privately.
Now that it's gone I'm driving my father's car (a 2006 Mercury Grand Marquis LS) and it's much nicer and has - well had - no problems. Recently the driver's side lock won't always pop up. It gets stuck and sometimes I have to press the fob several times with it coming up a fraction each push until it's up far enough to open the door. I can use the key just fine.
Annoyance but not a real "problem."
A few days ago the passenger side lock no longer works. When I press the fob or the inside button to unlock all doors the passenger door buzzes but won't disengage. Frustrating now because there's no keyhole on the passenger side (!WTF!) so I have to get in, lean over and pull the inside handle to open the door for my mother (who's always a passenger now since I'm living at home and don't go anywhere for myself, just driving her around where ever she wants to go.)
Yesterday, the check engine light came on.
The check engine light (and the battery light) were my bane in the old car.
I was happy to leave those headaches behind.
Now, they're back (at least one is, and now it brought door-glitch friends to play.)
So I'm again on edge driving wondering what the fuck is wrong with this car and how much will it cost to fix?
I haven't sold my condo yet (been to cold to do anything - pack, empty, clean, prep for sale, etc.) so I have no spare money for car repairs.
A few weeks ago I had a CT Scan (because the kidney stones were bad again and my doc decided I should no longer maintain pain control with Percocet. He cut me off.) and my urologist said it showed Portal Hypertension and I should go see a G.I. doctor.
So today I had an appointment with one and she's pretty sure (from my medical history) that I probably have Cirrhosis of the Liver.
So on top of 20 years of Crohn's/Colitis, chronic kidney stones for the past 13 years, too many surgeries to count (everything from Gall Bladder removal, hernias, colon removal (which too 5 major surgeries in total to complete), any surgery related to kidney stone breakup/removal known to mankind, etc.)
So now: Cirrhosis of the Liver is a distinct possibility with who knows what to follow.
I am so fucking depressed it's not even funny.
I have zero joy in my life any more (not that I had much to begin with) but when I think Life is beginning to let me be - it shoves it's balls in my face again.
I am so sick & tired of being sick & tired ALL THE TIME.
I can't control my pain.
There's no help for me.
I just have to "deal with it."
But here's the thing: I can't.
I've been beaten down by Life for two decades now and I don't know how much longer I can take it.
Something's gotta give.
I sold my old car (a 1998 Mercury Grand Marquis GS) and only got $220.49 for it from WeBuyAnyCar.com. It was initially estimated to be worth $905.00 online (in good, running condition) but the lack of use during this extremely cold winter seems to have had a horrible effect on it. When I went to get it to bring to WeBuyAnyCar's office, it smoked and rattled like it never has. All of a sudden it's a total piece of shit. I could never get rid of it in a private sale now, so I was kind of stuck with accepting the $220 just to avoid any headache of haggling with people over it privately.
Now that it's gone I'm driving my father's car (a 2006 Mercury Grand Marquis LS) and it's much nicer and has - well had - no problems. Recently the driver's side lock won't always pop up. It gets stuck and sometimes I have to press the fob several times with it coming up a fraction each push until it's up far enough to open the door. I can use the key just fine.
Annoyance but not a real "problem."
A few days ago the passenger side lock no longer works. When I press the fob or the inside button to unlock all doors the passenger door buzzes but won't disengage. Frustrating now because there's no keyhole on the passenger side (!WTF!) so I have to get in, lean over and pull the inside handle to open the door for my mother (who's always a passenger now since I'm living at home and don't go anywhere for myself, just driving her around where ever she wants to go.)
Yesterday, the check engine light came on.
The check engine light (and the battery light) were my bane in the old car.
I was happy to leave those headaches behind.
Now, they're back (at least one is, and now it brought door-glitch friends to play.)
So I'm again on edge driving wondering what the fuck is wrong with this car and how much will it cost to fix?
I haven't sold my condo yet (been to cold to do anything - pack, empty, clean, prep for sale, etc.) so I have no spare money for car repairs.
A few weeks ago I had a CT Scan (because the kidney stones were bad again and my doc decided I should no longer maintain pain control with Percocet. He cut me off.) and my urologist said it showed Portal Hypertension and I should go see a G.I. doctor.
So today I had an appointment with one and she's pretty sure (from my medical history) that I probably have Cirrhosis of the Liver.
So on top of 20 years of Crohn's/Colitis, chronic kidney stones for the past 13 years, too many surgeries to count (everything from Gall Bladder removal, hernias, colon removal (which too 5 major surgeries in total to complete), any surgery related to kidney stone breakup/removal known to mankind, etc.)
So now: Cirrhosis of the Liver is a distinct possibility with who knows what to follow.
I am so fucking depressed it's not even funny.
I have zero joy in my life any more (not that I had much to begin with) but when I think Life is beginning to let me be - it shoves it's balls in my face again.
I am so sick & tired of being sick & tired ALL THE TIME.
I can't control my pain.
There's no help for me.
I just have to "deal with it."
But here's the thing: I can't.
I've been beaten down by Life for two decades now and I don't know how much longer I can take it.
Something's gotta give.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Personal Updates, New Year's Eve 2014
Things
are settling down here (I am going to post personal updates here now so I will never be getting too personal on Facebook again after the events of last week!)
I want/need some time to be alone and relax and I know mom does too.
We go out at least once a day to shop or bank or see a doc or get medications or some other reason but the calls into the house have slowed and the constant stranger visits have all but stopped.
I want/need some time to be alone and relax and I know mom does too.
We go out at least once a day to shop or bank or see a doc or get medications or some other reason but the calls into the house have slowed and the constant stranger visits have all but stopped.
Only close family
and two very good neighbors who have been so very helpful are still around,
but keeping a distance.
Now it's usually mom who reaches out during her daily call marathons every afternoon (I counted 8 outgoing calls yesterday afternoon!)I sometimes get to watch a show or play a game but one day we'll settle into a routine where I'll put some more time back into my friends.
I do everything I can for her around here (NO COMPLAINTS!) but when all of that is done or I need to wait (early morning and places aren't open yet or late and they're already closed) I go upstairs to either try to rest, organize my little space, or just cry a little.
Now it's usually mom who reaches out during her daily call marathons every afternoon (I counted 8 outgoing calls yesterday afternoon!)I sometimes get to watch a show or play a game but one day we'll settle into a routine where I'll put some more time back into my friends.
I do everything I can for her around here (NO COMPLAINTS!) but when all of that is done or I need to wait (early morning and places aren't open yet or late and they're already closed) I go upstairs to either try to rest, organize my little space, or just cry a little.
Mom
knows I'm here, a yell up the stairs is all it takes and I am always ready to
run downstairs (well, limp) and do whatever needs doing.
The
slower pace seems to be letting me gain some strength back, but my achy
arms & legs still need a bit of a break.
Sometimes it's easy to forget that I am still sick myself.
Although the kidney stone fragments are nearly all out (I hope - I passed just a little bit this morning) I still rely on the Percocets. I will have to call in for ANOTHER frakking prescription on Friday.
I try to hold out as long as possible every morning to see how bad the pain really is, but I can't hold out for very long :(
Sometimes it's easy to forget that I am still sick myself.
Although the kidney stone fragments are nearly all out (I hope - I passed just a little bit this morning) I still rely on the Percocets. I will have to call in for ANOTHER frakking prescription on Friday.
I try to hold out as long as possible every morning to see how bad the pain really is, but I can't hold out for very long :(
At
least in the afternoons/evenings (depending how much we do when we go
out) I have been able to cut back and it's longer between doses, but to
still have to rely on them depresses me.
Everything else seems to be getting better.
The
daily crying bouts have stopped and come irregularly now (mostly in the
morning, when I wake up from the pain and can barely roll myself out of
bed and that first minute of trying to stand up!)
Overall, things are getting better day by day, things are slowing down for both mom & I which is good.
I
will get mom back on a somewhat regular pre-death/stroke routine after
the new year when her Senior Group meetings and Senior Yoga treatments
start back up.
One of my most helpful neighbors, Donna, from down the street called me after I dropped mom off at church last Saturday night to tell me not to come back to pick her up that she was there too and would bring mom home. That was great. I am not religious, but I respect mom's want/need to go to church, and I'm glad she does and I'm only too happy to bring her & pick her up, but as I explained to her (and she understands) that I would feel hypocritical for me to just stand there while the mass was going on - just going through the motions (standing, sitting, kneeling, etc) but not uttering the words seems wrong and I'd start getting lectures from others about why and I don't wish to be rude, in a church, explaining that I don't believe and why.
I went to Christmas Eve Mass with her, I could not let her be alone for that, but with regular masses I just can't do it.
Knowing now that Donna goes to mostly the same mass every week (when she can and her work doesn't change it) I feel better knowing she'll be going with a friend, someone I like and trust.
You can't drive for 6 months after a stroke, and I know that hurts mom in that she feels restricted (I certainly would not take the news of not being able to drive very well!) but I always have and always will take her where ever she needs/wants to go.
Mom's feeling better, I still feel like shit, from kidney stones to general body aches and pains, but we're both alive and taking it day by day - what more could you ask for?
That's all for this week.
Have a great day everybody who reads and have a Happy (and SAFE) New Year's Eve!
Let's all have a better 2015!!!
Friday, November 28, 2014
Unexcepted Seismic Shift
I'm awake :(
I took Trazodone [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trazodone] last night around 10pm hoping for another good night of sleep. It helped last night and this morning I felt pretty good (aside from the kidney stone pains, but the Perc helped with that) and the Valium kept me calm most of the day. Then I started to realize what was coming.
Finding out mom is doing so well (makes me happy) and hearing that she could possibly be released this weekend made me start to focus on what needs to be done.
Last night I started to crack (even on the Valium.)
Last night I didn't sleep so well (even on the Trazodone.)
I woke up at 3:30am. I was woken up by kidney stone pains, but then my mind woke up too.
I tried to go back to sleep.
My mind kept running through checklists of how to clear out the upper floor of mom's house, what to bring from my condo, what am I going to do with my cats (will they get along with Ami? will Ami get along with them? will my sister be able to absorb 2 more cats? will the 2 new cats get along with her cat Nina? what if one (or both) don't et along with her? I don't want to put them in shelters.
I've had them both since they were kittens - and when Saquarra was born, Michael & I visited her daily from her being 2 weeks old until we took her home around 8 weeks old. We bonded. I could (and often did while visiting) hold her in the palm of my hand. While she was Michael's cat, she's sort of always been mine. When we were able to take her home she stayed at my old Racquet Club apartment until Michael moved out of his house after his mother died. So we bonded (Saquarra, me & Moon.)
Saquarra & Moon were like sisters. If I say the name Moon now Saquarra will look at me and meow. It's not your normal "I'm hungry!" meow, it's a "where is she?" meow. When I sit in a chair she's immediately on my lap.
When I lay down in bed she's immediately curling up in the crook of my arm. If I stand close to a counter or chair she will jump up on my shoulder.
She will sit on my shoulder for a long time as I walk around doing chores.
I have to remove her myself 90% of the time, she rarely gets tired on her own and jumps off. She's my buddy.
Fleur has also recently become more of a lap cat too.
She was always the baby, and with Moon's strong personality and Saquarra being the "middle child", Fleur was always content to just be on her own (kind of like me.) After Moon died, she's slowly come out of her shell and now she also will inevitably make her way onto my lap or lay on my chest at night in bed.
I'm so used to two cats now always hanging with me when I'm home that I cannot bear the thought of possibly having to give them away to a shelter.
They're both pure breeds, but they're older now.
Older cats usually don't get adopted.
If my sister is able to integrate them with Nine, three cats is a handful.
I'm sure they'll get all the love they can handle if they go with her, but I am asking the Universe to please, at least, give me a little bit of a break and let Ami adapt well to two new play pals.
Ami is a sweetheart, but she's big and while I know she'd never intentionally hurt the cats, her size & strength could unintentionally hurt them if she's too excited while playing. She's quite excitable but she does calm down quickly now.
They have all met before. Dad brought Ami to my condo to visit twice.
Both times (while Moon was alive) both Saquarra & Fleur didn't want to deal with Ami, but Moon stood her ground. I was quite impressed.
Ami would put her front down and her butt up (in the standard dog "Let's Play!" position) and bark, but Moon would stand about a foot away, standing strong making it clear that his was HER domain and she wasnt ready for Ami to start any of her shit.
The two cats haven't really spent any time with Ami, they would go into other rooms and wait for the intruder to leave.
I am hoping that with some time together they can become great pet pals.
When I move to mom's I am going to cancel my Comcast at my condo (since I'll practically never be there until I eventually find the time to empty it and sell it) and get Verizon service at moms.
Mom has Verizon phone service right now, but it's the most basic service you can get and she still uses a prepaid calling card to make calls outside of Pennsylvania. I am going to cancel her Comcast cable service (also bare bones) and bundle the Verizon phone, cable and for the first time in history the McCartney Trellis house will have internet service.
I did a little research last night (and a flyer came in the mail last week that I held on to - for mom originally - that is a pretty good deal, better than their normal offerings) and even with super cable service and good, fast internet speeds, it will still be about $100 ~ $75 cheaper than what I've been paying for Comcast.
I will cover all of that myself at moms house. I can easily absorb that.
Mom will have Call Waiting for the first time, which is an absolute necessity especially since we both now have health issues.
I guess I'll need to get a storage shed. I have a lot of shit I've accumulated during my bachelor life. Some toys & crap will go to my nephews & niece (one nephew even asked me for my 60" HDTV last night!) but there's lots of stuff I'm not ready to give away just yet. I may not need them in my new home, but I don't want to get rid of some stuff and I'm not ready to let some stuff be destroyed by children either.
(Children destroy stuff, it's just their nature, I don't blame them.)
I'm like the 40 year old virgin (except that I'm a 44 year old virgin) with all my toys & collectibles, but since I will most likely never have to worry about getting a girlfriend I don't care what other people think of that.
I don't play with the toys, but I like looking at them. Some have been long time hunts that I finally found or just something that reminds me of a movie which reminds me of a certain time in my life. I am a child. I hope to always remain a little bit of a child. I now have to grow up more, but I can't just let that inner child go either. Very little gives me joy and I'm not ready to throw out the things that give me even a little joy.
Video game/relax time will be severely reduced.
I will have to give up being a Manny (hopefully not permanently, but that might be a potential reality.) I love my Manny job. When my mortgage stops and whatever profit I make on the sale of the condo along with my disability annuity, I should be okay as far as money is concerned, but I will absolutely miss the daily interaction with my nephews & niece.
They keep me on my toes and have been a great source of distraction from the kidney stone pains. They can be frustrating at times (because they're children and that's what children do) but I always left there smiling about whatever went down that day.
I'm sure I'll still see them often. I have a feeling they'll be visiting Mom Mom often (and me at the same time by default.)
I am not sure there will be enough hours in the day to do what needs to be done.
Already today's To Do checklist is pretty full.
And Monday I see my urologist to discuss many things.
If the CT Scan I had on Wednesday shows something bad...I don't want to have to have another KS procedure. I can't be hospitalized.
I live with that fear every day and now I not only have myself to worry about but I have to keep a close eye on mom in case of any of her own medical concerns.
We'll need to have the downstairs bathroom refurbished (she can't get into/out of the tub for baths, so we'll need to convert it to a shower.)
We have a family friend who can do the work.
These are but a few of the things that are running through my mind.
How's THAT for an update?!?!
I took Trazodone [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trazodone] last night around 10pm hoping for another good night of sleep. It helped last night and this morning I felt pretty good (aside from the kidney stone pains, but the Perc helped with that) and the Valium kept me calm most of the day. Then I started to realize what was coming.
Finding out mom is doing so well (makes me happy) and hearing that she could possibly be released this weekend made me start to focus on what needs to be done.
Last night I started to crack (even on the Valium.)
Last night I didn't sleep so well (even on the Trazodone.)
I woke up at 3:30am. I was woken up by kidney stone pains, but then my mind woke up too.
I tried to go back to sleep.
My mind kept running through checklists of how to clear out the upper floor of mom's house, what to bring from my condo, what am I going to do with my cats (will they get along with Ami? will Ami get along with them? will my sister be able to absorb 2 more cats? will the 2 new cats get along with her cat Nina? what if one (or both) don't et along with her? I don't want to put them in shelters.
I've had them both since they were kittens - and when Saquarra was born, Michael & I visited her daily from her being 2 weeks old until we took her home around 8 weeks old. We bonded. I could (and often did while visiting) hold her in the palm of my hand. While she was Michael's cat, she's sort of always been mine. When we were able to take her home she stayed at my old Racquet Club apartment until Michael moved out of his house after his mother died. So we bonded (Saquarra, me & Moon.)
Saquarra & Moon were like sisters. If I say the name Moon now Saquarra will look at me and meow. It's not your normal "I'm hungry!" meow, it's a "where is she?" meow. When I sit in a chair she's immediately on my lap.
When I lay down in bed she's immediately curling up in the crook of my arm. If I stand close to a counter or chair she will jump up on my shoulder.
She will sit on my shoulder for a long time as I walk around doing chores.
I have to remove her myself 90% of the time, she rarely gets tired on her own and jumps off. She's my buddy.
Fleur has also recently become more of a lap cat too.
She was always the baby, and with Moon's strong personality and Saquarra being the "middle child", Fleur was always content to just be on her own (kind of like me.) After Moon died, she's slowly come out of her shell and now she also will inevitably make her way onto my lap or lay on my chest at night in bed.
I'm so used to two cats now always hanging with me when I'm home that I cannot bear the thought of possibly having to give them away to a shelter.
They're both pure breeds, but they're older now.
Older cats usually don't get adopted.
If my sister is able to integrate them with Nine, three cats is a handful.
I'm sure they'll get all the love they can handle if they go with her, but I am asking the Universe to please, at least, give me a little bit of a break and let Ami adapt well to two new play pals.
Ami is a sweetheart, but she's big and while I know she'd never intentionally hurt the cats, her size & strength could unintentionally hurt them if she's too excited while playing. She's quite excitable but she does calm down quickly now.
They have all met before. Dad brought Ami to my condo to visit twice.
Both times (while Moon was alive) both Saquarra & Fleur didn't want to deal with Ami, but Moon stood her ground. I was quite impressed.
Ami would put her front down and her butt up (in the standard dog "Let's Play!" position) and bark, but Moon would stand about a foot away, standing strong making it clear that his was HER domain and she wasnt ready for Ami to start any of her shit.
The two cats haven't really spent any time with Ami, they would go into other rooms and wait for the intruder to leave.
I am hoping that with some time together they can become great pet pals.
When I move to mom's I am going to cancel my Comcast at my condo (since I'll practically never be there until I eventually find the time to empty it and sell it) and get Verizon service at moms.
Mom has Verizon phone service right now, but it's the most basic service you can get and she still uses a prepaid calling card to make calls outside of Pennsylvania. I am going to cancel her Comcast cable service (also bare bones) and bundle the Verizon phone, cable and for the first time in history the McCartney Trellis house will have internet service.
I did a little research last night (and a flyer came in the mail last week that I held on to - for mom originally - that is a pretty good deal, better than their normal offerings) and even with super cable service and good, fast internet speeds, it will still be about $100 ~ $75 cheaper than what I've been paying for Comcast.
I will cover all of that myself at moms house. I can easily absorb that.
Mom will have Call Waiting for the first time, which is an absolute necessity especially since we both now have health issues.
I guess I'll need to get a storage shed. I have a lot of shit I've accumulated during my bachelor life. Some toys & crap will go to my nephews & niece (one nephew even asked me for my 60" HDTV last night!) but there's lots of stuff I'm not ready to give away just yet. I may not need them in my new home, but I don't want to get rid of some stuff and I'm not ready to let some stuff be destroyed by children either.
(Children destroy stuff, it's just their nature, I don't blame them.)
I'm like the 40 year old virgin (except that I'm a 44 year old virgin) with all my toys & collectibles, but since I will most likely never have to worry about getting a girlfriend I don't care what other people think of that.
I don't play with the toys, but I like looking at them. Some have been long time hunts that I finally found or just something that reminds me of a movie which reminds me of a certain time in my life. I am a child. I hope to always remain a little bit of a child. I now have to grow up more, but I can't just let that inner child go either. Very little gives me joy and I'm not ready to throw out the things that give me even a little joy.
Video game/relax time will be severely reduced.
I will have to give up being a Manny (hopefully not permanently, but that might be a potential reality.) I love my Manny job. When my mortgage stops and whatever profit I make on the sale of the condo along with my disability annuity, I should be okay as far as money is concerned, but I will absolutely miss the daily interaction with my nephews & niece.
They keep me on my toes and have been a great source of distraction from the kidney stone pains. They can be frustrating at times (because they're children and that's what children do) but I always left there smiling about whatever went down that day.
I'm sure I'll still see them often. I have a feeling they'll be visiting Mom Mom often (and me at the same time by default.)
I am not sure there will be enough hours in the day to do what needs to be done.
Already today's To Do checklist is pretty full.
And Monday I see my urologist to discuss many things.
If the CT Scan I had on Wednesday shows something bad...I don't want to have to have another KS procedure. I can't be hospitalized.
I live with that fear every day and now I not only have myself to worry about but I have to keep a close eye on mom in case of any of her own medical concerns.
We'll need to have the downstairs bathroom refurbished (she can't get into/out of the tub for baths, so we'll need to convert it to a shower.)
We have a family friend who can do the work.
These are but a few of the things that are running through my mind.
How's THAT for an update?!?!
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Alone.
My dad died twice.
The official death is two weeks ago today. So Thursdays suck now.
The first time was the day before. So Wednesdays suck too.
His heart beat for the last time @ 3:31pm on Thursday, November 6, 2014.
The cardiac arrest (when he really left us) was about 6:20pm on Wednesday, November 5, 2014.
I don't like nights. Every night I am exhausted.
Every night when I close my eyes I see my dad's face but it's not the peaceful face I last saw, it's the one I saw when I went to my folks' house after mom called telling me "It's dad!"
The night I had to park 3 houses down because their street was crowded with 2 fire trucks, 4 police cars and an ambulance.
The night I had to push my way through what seemed to be the entire neighborhood gathered to see why there were 2 fire trucks, 4 police cars and an ambulance.
The night I walked into their front door to see my father, naked, laying on the living room floor surrounded by EMTs - and his eyes...just...staring.
Not blinking. Looking off into space.
The night I saw my mother on the other side of the house, being comforted by firemen in the kitchen, as she looked at my father laying on the floor.
The EMTs told me they brought him back after 3 Epi's (Epinephrine shots) and a shock (defibrillation) and his heart was still going but it was not looking good.
They put him on the stretcher and rolled him past me, still standing next to the front door, unable to comfort my own mother, prevented from going further by the EMT who updated me.
As dad rolled past...I only saw his eyes.
They're all I could see.He was not blinking.He looked gone.
That image is what I see now when I close my eyes.
I so wanted the last image of my dad to be the one where he was resting peacefully in the hospital bed after his heart beat for the very last time.
He looked like he was sleeping.
Why won't that image come back to me?
If I'm seeing my dad's face (and eyes) from that night every time I close my eyes I can't even imagine my mother's nights as she probably relives the events that led to those eyes. I only saw the aftermath and I'm traumatized.
Then I go on to relive the waiting, the wondering, then the day we had to free him. My nights suck.
Kidney stones don't care either.
Pain meds are long gone so I've been in absolute agony all week - and my doctor's appointment to talk about pain management is still 2 weeks away (the earliest they can get me in.)
I am trying to do what I can for mom, and while a lot has been done, I don't feel any sense of accomplishment.
I see the mountain of work still ahead and I see no way to conquer it.
I don't want this taken the wrong way, I'm not complaining (obviously I am in a general sense, but now getting specific), I am not jealous of my mother or my sister, I just feel so alone because my mom and my sister have so many people who are rallying around them - I don't.
I have my sister and mother, but I won't add to their grief, so I have no one to really vent to (aside from a really great friend who I know would listen to me cry, just listen, but I don't like it when I get like that, so I am trying to avoid it.)
I have no one who has given me a fruit basket.
Not that I want one, mind you, it's just the thought that I have no one.
No cards. No knocks at my door. No phone calls.
I normally like being alone. I'm most content when alone.
But now I've never felt so alone.
I realize now that when I die, aside from family and some great Facebook & gaming friends, I have no one who will care.
My father's funeral line had to be cut off after an hour.
Mine will require all of 5 minutes...maybe.
I just get so sad when I see all of the sympathy cards for mom.
My sister has cards from people she works with and her friends.
No one knows me so I got nothing.
I do not want stuff.
I am just feeling the crushing weight of loneliness during all of this.
The official death is two weeks ago today. So Thursdays suck now.
The first time was the day before. So Wednesdays suck too.
His heart beat for the last time @ 3:31pm on Thursday, November 6, 2014.
The cardiac arrest (when he really left us) was about 6:20pm on Wednesday, November 5, 2014.
I don't like nights. Every night I am exhausted.
Every night when I close my eyes I see my dad's face but it's not the peaceful face I last saw, it's the one I saw when I went to my folks' house after mom called telling me "It's dad!"
The night I had to park 3 houses down because their street was crowded with 2 fire trucks, 4 police cars and an ambulance.
The night I had to push my way through what seemed to be the entire neighborhood gathered to see why there were 2 fire trucks, 4 police cars and an ambulance.
The night I walked into their front door to see my father, naked, laying on the living room floor surrounded by EMTs - and his eyes...just...staring.
Not blinking. Looking off into space.
The night I saw my mother on the other side of the house, being comforted by firemen in the kitchen, as she looked at my father laying on the floor.
The EMTs told me they brought him back after 3 Epi's (Epinephrine shots) and a shock (defibrillation) and his heart was still going but it was not looking good.
They put him on the stretcher and rolled him past me, still standing next to the front door, unable to comfort my own mother, prevented from going further by the EMT who updated me.
As dad rolled past...I only saw his eyes.
They're all I could see.He was not blinking.He looked gone.
That image is what I see now when I close my eyes.
I so wanted the last image of my dad to be the one where he was resting peacefully in the hospital bed after his heart beat for the very last time.
He looked like he was sleeping.
Why won't that image come back to me?
If I'm seeing my dad's face (and eyes) from that night every time I close my eyes I can't even imagine my mother's nights as she probably relives the events that led to those eyes. I only saw the aftermath and I'm traumatized.
Then I go on to relive the waiting, the wondering, then the day we had to free him. My nights suck.
Kidney stones don't care either.
Pain meds are long gone so I've been in absolute agony all week - and my doctor's appointment to talk about pain management is still 2 weeks away (the earliest they can get me in.)
I am trying to do what I can for mom, and while a lot has been done, I don't feel any sense of accomplishment.
I see the mountain of work still ahead and I see no way to conquer it.
I don't want this taken the wrong way, I'm not complaining (obviously I am in a general sense, but now getting specific), I am not jealous of my mother or my sister, I just feel so alone because my mom and my sister have so many people who are rallying around them - I don't.
I have my sister and mother, but I won't add to their grief, so I have no one to really vent to (aside from a really great friend who I know would listen to me cry, just listen, but I don't like it when I get like that, so I am trying to avoid it.)
I have no one who has given me a fruit basket.
Not that I want one, mind you, it's just the thought that I have no one.
No cards. No knocks at my door. No phone calls.
I normally like being alone. I'm most content when alone.
But now I've never felt so alone.
I realize now that when I die, aside from family and some great Facebook & gaming friends, I have no one who will care.
My father's funeral line had to be cut off after an hour.
Mine will require all of 5 minutes...maybe.
I just get so sad when I see all of the sympathy cards for mom.
My sister has cards from people she works with and her friends.
No one knows me so I got nothing.
I do not want stuff.
I am just feeling the crushing weight of loneliness during all of this.
Saturday, September 06, 2014
The Neverending Story
I had another Ureteroscopy procedure on Tuesday, September 2, 2014, and
had the stent that was in my left ureter taken out at the same time (it
was put in on August 20th while I was in the hospital.)
Anyway, over the last 4 days since the procedure I had felt not quite recovered.
I was passing blood clots quite often, my urine was pink most of the time (from the blood) and I felt "chips" trying to get out. I even passed a few smaller chips during those days.
I thought I'd not have to take any more Percocets once the stent was removed.
I had hoped the drama would end with the removal.
But while the stent was in for 2 weeks more kidney stones started growing on it like barnacles on boat hulls. When the stent was pulled out, all that crap was shaken loose and has been hanging out in my ureter ever since.
This afternoon I started really feeling nauseous.
The pain was growing exponentially again.
I took Percocet around 3pm and it didn't help at all.
I went into bed, wrapped myself up in my blankets (even though it's like 90° outside and 80° inside) and thought if I relaxed, and tried to sleep through it, it would pass (either go away, or come out.)
I knew it was BIG and I knew it was sharp.
I fought the urge to go to the E.R. again.
What would happen there any way?
They could give me Dilaudid, but then they'd either send me home (and the Dilaudid would wear off eventually and start all over again) or my doc would be called and he'd want to go back in (to me) and maybe even want to put another stent in, keep me there in the hospital for days and days...who knows what!
I WAS NOT GOING TO GO THROUGH ALL OF THAT AGAIN!
I spent the last 3 weeks doing all of that shit and I am not going to keep doing it if I can help it at all.
I couldn't sleep. I twisted and turned. I contorted into strange positions and finally I felt a POP!
It found its exit!
Now - to get it OUT!
I hobbled to the bathroom, stood in there with a cup to catch this fucker and pushed!
It was an avalanche of chips and gravel and blood clots.
After recovering, I documented the result:
Anyway, over the last 4 days since the procedure I had felt not quite recovered.
I was passing blood clots quite often, my urine was pink most of the time (from the blood) and I felt "chips" trying to get out. I even passed a few smaller chips during those days.
I thought I'd not have to take any more Percocets once the stent was removed.
I had hoped the drama would end with the removal.
But while the stent was in for 2 weeks more kidney stones started growing on it like barnacles on boat hulls. When the stent was pulled out, all that crap was shaken loose and has been hanging out in my ureter ever since.
This afternoon I started really feeling nauseous.
The pain was growing exponentially again.
I took Percocet around 3pm and it didn't help at all.
I went into bed, wrapped myself up in my blankets (even though it's like 90° outside and 80° inside) and thought if I relaxed, and tried to sleep through it, it would pass (either go away, or come out.)
I knew it was BIG and I knew it was sharp.
I fought the urge to go to the E.R. again.
What would happen there any way?
They could give me Dilaudid, but then they'd either send me home (and the Dilaudid would wear off eventually and start all over again) or my doc would be called and he'd want to go back in (to me) and maybe even want to put another stent in, keep me there in the hospital for days and days...who knows what!
I WAS NOT GOING TO GO THROUGH ALL OF THAT AGAIN!
I spent the last 3 weeks doing all of that shit and I am not going to keep doing it if I can help it at all.
I couldn't sleep. I twisted and turned. I contorted into strange positions and finally I felt a POP!
It found its exit!
Now - to get it OUT!
I hobbled to the bathroom, stood in there with a cup to catch this fucker and pushed!
It was an avalanche of chips and gravel and blood clots.
After recovering, I documented the result:
.JPG)
I am BURNING something fierce right now, but the pain is going away.
Out of all of this shit there were four really BIG chips that were sharp and were obviously what I was feeling - all that other crap must have been behind it pushing to get out!
Out of all of this shit there were four really BIG chips that were sharp and were obviously what I was feeling - all that other crap must have been behind it pushing to get out!
.JPG)
I REALLY REALLY REALLY hope it's all out now (I passed a bunch more gravel earlier this morning also.)
This is tiresome and depressing.
This is tiresome and depressing.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
The Best Laid Plans...
So my Summer ended the way it started.
The first indication of a problem stone was on Wednesday, August 13.
I started getting pains high up on the left side of my back.
That's also when the blood & cloudiness started.
Both indicators that a stone was making its way down from the kidney through the ureter.
[http://www.webmd.com/kidney-stones/kidney-stone-in-ureter]
As long as it keeps moving I thought "I have enough time."
I babysit my niece & nephews for my sister and last school year ended with renal failure, a bilateral stent [http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/002303.htm], a couple of procedures and eventually ended with me coming home for a week with a Foley Catheter. [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foley_catheter]
What a grand finale that 3 week experience was!
This school year begins like last year was supposed to end, with my sister's school starting while my niece & nephews have 1 more week off. So that means she needs someone to babysit for that week, 8+ hours for each of those 5 days.
Seems daunting, but they are more laid back (no school bus to catch!) and we can do more fun stuff.
I look forward to all the days I get to do this (so there's one positive thing about being chronically ill and unable to hold down a "regular job.") I am lucky in that respect.
So I was getting all psyched up for this coming week (Aug. 25 ~ 29) but pains on August 13, while seemingly far enough away to not be a major concern, started turning into something more threatening as time went on.
From the 13th to the 18th (Wednesday to Friday) I tried my usual "wait it out", and for a while it seemed like the best plan. The stone was moving, the pain was moderate most of the time, and when it spiked I did come close at least three times to calling my parents for a ride to the E.R., but I never gave in - perhaps I should have.
Friday the 18th the stone was really low, it felt like had reached the entrance to the bladder (but it was still in the ureter) and I was just hoping it would make that final push from ureter to bladder and then the pain would cease and I'd then just have to wait for it to float around the bladder for a bit (could be hours, could be days, it could even take weeks) but a kidney stone in the bladder doesn't hurt (unless it gets stuck in the urethra on its way out of the bladder!)
The pain got to be too much but I really felt like i could still wait it out if I could control the pain, so I called my urologist and he gave me a prescription for some Percocet [http://www.rxlist.com/percocet-drug.htm] which would be good enough to reduce the pain to let me get on with Life while the stone decided what it wanted to do.
I waited Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and when the pain hadn't decreased or the stone hadn't moved in those 5 days, I called my doc again to see if maybe he could do something more proactive. I explained about my commitment which was now rapidly approaching next week!
He wrote out some orders for a KUB X-Ray [http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Kidney,+Ureter,+and+Bladder+X-Ray+Study] and a Renal Ultrasound [http://kidshealth.org/parent/system/medical/renal_ultrasound.html] which I picked up from his office and then went to 3 different places to try to have done.
I tired an imaging place right across the road from my urologist, but their Ultrasound technician wasn't in.
I then tried the satellite Radiology/Imaging office of a closer hospital which is located right next door to my Primary Care Physician, but they require appointments (the place was a ghost town, no one there except the nurses & techs, no patients) and the first available was in September!
So I wound up driving up to St. Mary Medical Center anyway (which was the initial plan, but I thought I could save myself the slightly longer trip and the hustle & bustle of a large hospital.)
I got there and after 3 hours I had the 2 tests done, they gave me the "films" (on CD) and the reports and I dropped them back off at my Urologist's office then went home to wait.
After reviewing the reports & looking at the films, my doc wanted to go in and remove the large stone that was the bane of this experience. He told me he'd remove it after his office hours and to go to the E.R. to prepare for the procedure.
I called up my folks for a ride, they picked me up, we got to the E.R., I told them I was told to come through the E.R. as my doc was preparing for a procedure. They started to go through the usual E.R. process (triage, vitals, history, etc) when a call comes from the OR wondering where I am.
This starts a tiff between the E.R. doc on call and the OR about where I should be.
This moves out of ear shot and an hour later I'm finally being taken down to the OR for the procedure.Before I even leave the E.R. holding area, my folks dash out taking all my possessions.
The nurse who was going to wheel me down to the OR was shouting after my folks that there's a waiting room down there and they can wait there or go to the cafeteria, but they just kept walking.
She seemed surprised by this, I explained that they hardly ever wait any more but they'd probably be back when they thought it was over. My nurse thought it was a strange way to treat someone going into an operating room, and I agree (silently, to myself) but as much as it stings (to have your parents just kind of walk away and not walk with you to the OR) I know they don't like waiting either so I let it go.
When I get wheeled into the operating room (my doc is not yet in there) there are the usual occupants; anesthesia docs/nurses, other nurses, techs, etc. and I swear at least 2/3 of them turn and say "Rob?!" when they see me. They ask what brings me back, I say "the usual", and they said they were sorry since they had just seen me like 6-7 weeks ago!
I felt like Norm from "Cheers."
My urologist comes in and he asks if I'd like to go home tonight - I tell him, for me, that's top priority as I have to prepare for my duties coming up in 5 days! He says he'll do his best to get me home ASAP.
Then I presume they did their thing because I woke up in the recovery room.
My folks had returned, they gave me my stuff, said their goodbyes then left.
I thought that was odd (well, more odd than usual.)
I then had to pee really bad and I did (with all the horrible things you'd expect after someone had been inside you through the most convenient passageway available.)
It stung, it was bloody, it was messy, but there was no string, so I was happy.
After a little while I had to pee again and as I shifted in my bed to get a better angle (for better flow) I felt a pang of pain in my back on the left. I knew that pain, and hadn't hoped to feel it again, not now, not after not seeing the zip cord hanging out of me!
I peed again, and after all the mess, there it was - the string.
That cursed black zip cord of misery.
I had a stent.
Not good news at all. It shot down my hopes go getting out Wednesday night and going home.
I talked to the nurse and she said I did have a stent and that we're waiting for a room.
So I was being admitted.
She said it was just to be overnight for observation.
Okay. One night. Fine.
The stent doesn't make me happy, but he must have felt it necessary and with Percocets I can at least keep the pain low enough to do what needs to be done without too much agony.
Thursday comes, I see my doctor, and he tells me of the stent, and how he thinks he got most of the big stone that was the problem, but I appear to now be running a fever and they're going to watch me to be sure it's not an infection. I hope the fever breaks and I can be home Thursday night.
Thursday runs its course and turns into Friday. The fever breaks but the Infectious Diseases department sends the vampires to collect lots of blood and urine from me to test what the infection might be.
I also get a visit from my Nephrologist (kidney doctor) who is concerned about my high Creatinine levels [http://www.medicinenet.com/creatinine_blood_test/page2.htm]. These are apparently new concerns because back in June when I had the renal failure episode, my levels were returning to normal, otherwise they would not have let me out. So this is a new rise in my Creatinine level so now he's concerned about either an infection (which would be easy to treat) or Hydronephrosis [http://www.healthline.com/health/unilateral-hydronephrosis] which could be a bigger problem indicating a blockage by perhaps uric acid crystals growing in the kidney reducing flow.
This type of problem might require more intensive & dangerous surgery.
So he takes some urine to sample also.
So now, I wait.
I have no fever Friday at all, though I am on an IV anti-biotic, which could have cleared up whatever was going on.
Saturday rolls around and I'm feeling like a caged animal and all I can see if Monday looming up ahead and I'm not yet prepared!
I feel useless and here I am again causing problems for my loved ones.
Finally my doc sees me Saturday around noon and says there's no infection, no blockage, the fever is gone for 2 days now, and my creatinine levels are returning to better levels. I can go home.
I am somewhat relieved, but he wants to remove this stent and go "back in" to go higher up the ureter to make sure it's clear, but he knows this week I am unavailable, so he's scheduled it for the day after Labor Day, Tuesday, September 2, 2014.Initially I call to let my folks know that I'm being discharged but it could take a while (it took 4 hours last time!) and that I'd call when the paperwork is done and in-hand.
Mom says Dad went to a movie.
Movie > Son = Hurts.
I had my IV removed and then it takes 3 ½ hours to fill out all the discharge paperwork before I can actually step foot outside the hospital.
That's ridiculous, but at least I'm now free.
I call my folks for a ride home and my mother comes to get me because dad is making some new experimental sauce at home.
Sauce > Son = Hurts.My doc sends me home with prescriptions for Bactrim (and anti-biotic) and Percocets (for the pain.)The pain is moderate, but the Percs are helping.
Today will be prep day for me, in case my niece & nephews decided my place is more fun to hang out in than their own home.
I have cooler toys!
Anyway, so now I have a stent and another pending surgical procedure looming, and my hopes of getting ahead of this problem instead of waiting for it to get bad enough for the usual routine, have gone and completely blown up in my face, making everything I did to try to prevent this seem utterly futile.
I told my friends I was going in to have a stone broken up and hoped to be home Wednesday night, but I wasn't able to get online and tell them what had happened until Saturday afternoon.
So this is what was occupying my time during those missing days!
My next post will probably be about my experience on September 2 when this stent is due to be removed....
The first indication of a problem stone was on Wednesday, August 13.
I started getting pains high up on the left side of my back.
That's also when the blood & cloudiness started.
Both indicators that a stone was making its way down from the kidney through the ureter.
[http://www.webmd.com/kidney-stones/kidney-stone-in-ureter]
As long as it keeps moving I thought "I have enough time."
I babysit my niece & nephews for my sister and last school year ended with renal failure, a bilateral stent [http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/002303.htm], a couple of procedures and eventually ended with me coming home for a week with a Foley Catheter. [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foley_catheter]
What a grand finale that 3 week experience was!
This school year begins like last year was supposed to end, with my sister's school starting while my niece & nephews have 1 more week off. So that means she needs someone to babysit for that week, 8+ hours for each of those 5 days.
Seems daunting, but they are more laid back (no school bus to catch!) and we can do more fun stuff.
I look forward to all the days I get to do this (so there's one positive thing about being chronically ill and unable to hold down a "regular job.") I am lucky in that respect.
So I was getting all psyched up for this coming week (Aug. 25 ~ 29) but pains on August 13, while seemingly far enough away to not be a major concern, started turning into something more threatening as time went on.
From the 13th to the 18th (Wednesday to Friday) I tried my usual "wait it out", and for a while it seemed like the best plan. The stone was moving, the pain was moderate most of the time, and when it spiked I did come close at least three times to calling my parents for a ride to the E.R., but I never gave in - perhaps I should have.
Friday the 18th the stone was really low, it felt like had reached the entrance to the bladder (but it was still in the ureter) and I was just hoping it would make that final push from ureter to bladder and then the pain would cease and I'd then just have to wait for it to float around the bladder for a bit (could be hours, could be days, it could even take weeks) but a kidney stone in the bladder doesn't hurt (unless it gets stuck in the urethra on its way out of the bladder!)
The pain got to be too much but I really felt like i could still wait it out if I could control the pain, so I called my urologist and he gave me a prescription for some Percocet [http://www.rxlist.com/percocet-drug.htm] which would be good enough to reduce the pain to let me get on with Life while the stone decided what it wanted to do.
I waited Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and when the pain hadn't decreased or the stone hadn't moved in those 5 days, I called my doc again to see if maybe he could do something more proactive. I explained about my commitment which was now rapidly approaching next week!
He wrote out some orders for a KUB X-Ray [http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Kidney,+Ureter,+and+Bladder+X-Ray+Study] and a Renal Ultrasound [http://kidshealth.org/parent/system/medical/renal_ultrasound.html] which I picked up from his office and then went to 3 different places to try to have done.
I tired an imaging place right across the road from my urologist, but their Ultrasound technician wasn't in.
I then tried the satellite Radiology/Imaging office of a closer hospital which is located right next door to my Primary Care Physician, but they require appointments (the place was a ghost town, no one there except the nurses & techs, no patients) and the first available was in September!
So I wound up driving up to St. Mary Medical Center anyway (which was the initial plan, but I thought I could save myself the slightly longer trip and the hustle & bustle of a large hospital.)
I got there and after 3 hours I had the 2 tests done, they gave me the "films" (on CD) and the reports and I dropped them back off at my Urologist's office then went home to wait.
After reviewing the reports & looking at the films, my doc wanted to go in and remove the large stone that was the bane of this experience. He told me he'd remove it after his office hours and to go to the E.R. to prepare for the procedure.
I called up my folks for a ride, they picked me up, we got to the E.R., I told them I was told to come through the E.R. as my doc was preparing for a procedure. They started to go through the usual E.R. process (triage, vitals, history, etc) when a call comes from the OR wondering where I am.
This starts a tiff between the E.R. doc on call and the OR about where I should be.
This moves out of ear shot and an hour later I'm finally being taken down to the OR for the procedure.Before I even leave the E.R. holding area, my folks dash out taking all my possessions.
The nurse who was going to wheel me down to the OR was shouting after my folks that there's a waiting room down there and they can wait there or go to the cafeteria, but they just kept walking.
She seemed surprised by this, I explained that they hardly ever wait any more but they'd probably be back when they thought it was over. My nurse thought it was a strange way to treat someone going into an operating room, and I agree (silently, to myself) but as much as it stings (to have your parents just kind of walk away and not walk with you to the OR) I know they don't like waiting either so I let it go.
When I get wheeled into the operating room (my doc is not yet in there) there are the usual occupants; anesthesia docs/nurses, other nurses, techs, etc. and I swear at least 2/3 of them turn and say "Rob?!" when they see me. They ask what brings me back, I say "the usual", and they said they were sorry since they had just seen me like 6-7 weeks ago!
I felt like Norm from "Cheers."
My urologist comes in and he asks if I'd like to go home tonight - I tell him, for me, that's top priority as I have to prepare for my duties coming up in 5 days! He says he'll do his best to get me home ASAP.
Then I presume they did their thing because I woke up in the recovery room.
My folks had returned, they gave me my stuff, said their goodbyes then left.
I thought that was odd (well, more odd than usual.)
I then had to pee really bad and I did (with all the horrible things you'd expect after someone had been inside you through the most convenient passageway available.)
It stung, it was bloody, it was messy, but there was no string, so I was happy.
After a little while I had to pee again and as I shifted in my bed to get a better angle (for better flow) I felt a pang of pain in my back on the left. I knew that pain, and hadn't hoped to feel it again, not now, not after not seeing the zip cord hanging out of me!
I peed again, and after all the mess, there it was - the string.
That cursed black zip cord of misery.
I had a stent.
Not good news at all. It shot down my hopes go getting out Wednesday night and going home.
I talked to the nurse and she said I did have a stent and that we're waiting for a room.
So I was being admitted.
She said it was just to be overnight for observation.
Okay. One night. Fine.
Thursday comes, I see my doctor, and he tells me of the stent, and how he thinks he got most of the big stone that was the problem, but I appear to now be running a fever and they're going to watch me to be sure it's not an infection. I hope the fever breaks and I can be home Thursday night.
Thursday runs its course and turns into Friday. The fever breaks but the Infectious Diseases department sends the vampires to collect lots of blood and urine from me to test what the infection might be.
I also get a visit from my Nephrologist (kidney doctor) who is concerned about my high Creatinine levels [http://www.medicinenet.com/creatinine_blood_test/page2.htm]. These are apparently new concerns because back in June when I had the renal failure episode, my levels were returning to normal, otherwise they would not have let me out. So this is a new rise in my Creatinine level so now he's concerned about either an infection (which would be easy to treat) or Hydronephrosis [http://www.healthline.com/health/unilateral-hydronephrosis] which could be a bigger problem indicating a blockage by perhaps uric acid crystals growing in the kidney reducing flow.
This type of problem might require more intensive & dangerous surgery.
So he takes some urine to sample also.
So now, I wait.
I have no fever Friday at all, though I am on an IV anti-biotic, which could have cleared up whatever was going on.
Saturday rolls around and I'm feeling like a caged animal and all I can see if Monday looming up ahead and I'm not yet prepared!
I feel useless and here I am again causing problems for my loved ones.
Finally my doc sees me Saturday around noon and says there's no infection, no blockage, the fever is gone for 2 days now, and my creatinine levels are returning to better levels. I can go home.
I am somewhat relieved, but he wants to remove this stent and go "back in" to go higher up the ureter to make sure it's clear, but he knows this week I am unavailable, so he's scheduled it for the day after Labor Day, Tuesday, September 2, 2014.Initially I call to let my folks know that I'm being discharged but it could take a while (it took 4 hours last time!) and that I'd call when the paperwork is done and in-hand.
Mom says Dad went to a movie.
Movie > Son = Hurts.
That's ridiculous, but at least I'm now free.
I call my folks for a ride home and my mother comes to get me because dad is making some new experimental sauce at home.
Sauce > Son = Hurts.My doc sends me home with prescriptions for Bactrim (and anti-biotic) and Percocets (for the pain.)The pain is moderate, but the Percs are helping.
Today will be prep day for me, in case my niece & nephews decided my place is more fun to hang out in than their own home.
I have cooler toys!
Anyway, so now I have a stent and another pending surgical procedure looming, and my hopes of getting ahead of this problem instead of waiting for it to get bad enough for the usual routine, have gone and completely blown up in my face, making everything I did to try to prevent this seem utterly futile.
I told my friends I was going in to have a stone broken up and hoped to be home Wednesday night, but I wasn't able to get online and tell them what had happened until Saturday afternoon.
So this is what was occupying my time during those missing days!
My next post will probably be about my experience on September 2 when this stent is due to be removed....
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